maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
