I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
