woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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