We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
