atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
