My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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