note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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