3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
operation harelip BJ is a go
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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