and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
