Plan B is the new Plan A
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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