you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Panties = found
Randomize
