Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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