drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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