It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
