so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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