The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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