u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
