it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
