Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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