I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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