Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
