3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just come out here and I will go home with you...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
