toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
