Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
