Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
