I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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