Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
