Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
tell me about the fingering
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
