On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
