remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize