I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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