go do what you do best...puke behind churches
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
