I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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