I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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