Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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