I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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