I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
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It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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