I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
