Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's Friday. Sex?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
