sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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