I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
