God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
