I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
