I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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