fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
and she was petting her beer can
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
