Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
