I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
