I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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