Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
