My hand turned me down
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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