you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
