i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
