My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
