Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
