god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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