the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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