Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
