I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
