I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
