you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
